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Hitting On My Friends
At 7:00 on a Wednesday morning as I was about to put on my jacket and leave the house for work, my phone beeped with an incoming text message. I was curious about who it could be, very few people text me at 7:00 am. I thought it might be Germany, that 9 hour time difference often finds me getting messages at strange hours of the day. It wasn't Germany however, it was the Mushroom Pilot. Remember him? I went on two dates with him back in the Spring but quickly lost his number when it became clear that he was an eager 18 year old boy trapped in the body of a 32 year old man. Unfortunate really, because he took me on a very cool flying date once and things started well. I haven't spoken with him since we hung out with mutual friends on the beach a few months ago, so I was a little surprised to be receiving a message form him on a day like today. His message read:
"Hello. I was just driving back from the Ferries and I thought about your Dutch friend from the beach. Is she single? Can I have her number? XO"
He was of course referring to my beautiful and all around awesome good friend, Monique. I couldn't believe it, was this guy for real? So many things ran through my head as I laughed out loud at the audacity of such a text. First of all, why text me at 7:00 in the morning on a Wednesday to ask me that? Second, don't you think it might be weird that you text a girl you dated once to ask her about her girlfriend that she brought along to a party almost six months ago? Not to mention the fact that Monique came to the party with her boyfriend. Third, even if she were single, why would I want to hook you up with her? I mean seriously, if I didn't want to date you, why the hell do you think I would let my good friend date you? Obviously there was something fundamentally wrong for me to have lost your number so easily, don't you think there was a good reason for that? Do you think I have such a short memory?
I honestly found the text to be rather amusing and totally inappropriate. Sure, I could understand if he was interested in my friend and wanted some information on her, but to text me at 7:00 am on a random Wednesday after not speaking to me for several months? Seriously, where is this guy's brain? Did he not think about these things before he sent the text? I'm baffled.
Instead of being nice and just telling him she isn't single, the devil on my shoulder won the battle and I decide to bait him and find out why he is asking for her info. I text him back and asked :
"Oh, that's Monique. Are you interested in dating her?"
His response: "Perhaps. I don't know her well enough yet though, wink wink"
Wink, wink? What the hell is that? Was his thought process seriously "hey baby, I know we kinda of dated and it didn't go anywhere but I think your friend is hot, you won't mind giving me her number do ya, wink, wink, nudge nudge". Yes, I made the right choice not to date this guy, thank god for sharp female instincts! My response: "Let me talk to her and I'll get back to you"
Of course, I have no intention of talking to her, except maybe to tell her about this so we can both enjoy a good laugh. This is pure comedy after all, stupid male behaviour at it's very best. I decide to wait a few days, and I text him back with this:
"I spoke with Monique. Sorry, she isn't interested. Any of my other friends you'd like to try to hit on?"
I laughed an evil laugh as I wrote the text. I figured he deserved at least that much for being such a fool, probably more, but that was all the cruelty my karma conscious mind would allow me to dish out. Seriously though, how can a man actually think this would work? I will never stop being amazed by how differently men and women think.
Moral of the story guys: As a woman, I understand that the men I date probably want to screw all my hot girlfriends. Most of us females understand this and accept it for the basic carnal instinct that it is. Men want to screw everything, especially our girlfriends, we get it, we just try not to think about it. However, if we are not dating you anymore and you want to get with one of our girlfriends, don't send a text at 7:00 am asking for her digits. In fact, don't try that approach at all, it won't work. If you are on friendly terms with a girl you used to date, get some balls and call her up and chat with her for a bit, especially if you haven't spoken for a while. Then, very delicately, ask about her friend. That way you at least stand a chance of getting what you want. Albeit a small chance, but at least a small possibility will exist. Texting at 7:00am after several months of not talking equals zero chance of success.
Remember, girls talk, especially to their girlfriends, and they talk about YOU. Generally we like to dish on both the good and the bad, so be careful when you try to date on of our friends. Even though the friend you want to hit on has only met you once, chances are she already knows about your habits, quirks, and probably your penis size too. Generally, all the reasons it didn't work out with you and her in the first place.
(The names of the individuals involved have been changed to protect their identity. Except for Monique in this case, I left her name because she wants me to write about her and that's cool becasue she is great! I apologize for anyone's feelings I might have hurt by writing this but please consider it a sacrifice for the sake of comedy. Thanks for the material, couldn't have done it without you!)
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Not all Western Women are Easy (warning: funny/serious)
Dating people of different cultural backgrounds can be rather challenging at times. The language barrier is a major one and can cause a lot of communication issues in the relationship, especially long term ones. Cultural preferences such as taste in food or music can also throw up obstacles on the path to relationship bliss. Difference in religion or family values is another major contributor to problems inter-cultural couples may face. The bottom line is, dating outside your culture is very interesting, but it comes with a lot of potential problems.
This leads me to talk about the cultural differences surrounding sex and intimacy. If you really stop to think about how different cultures and religions view sex, you can probably imagine that the potential pitfalls inter-cultural couples face are infinite. Since I generally don't date Canadian men, even though for the most part I am a quintessential Canadian woman, I have come across these differences in various forms. Last weekend, I came across a very specific, and somewhat serious one regarding sex. Let me tell you about it:
It was a rainy Wednesday afternoon and I wandered away from my office to do some shopping at the local drug store. As I was standing in the shampoo isle, contemplating whether I wanted my hair to smell like lavender or coconut, I was approached by a very tall, dark skinned, handsome man. He said hello and just starting chatting with me as I stood and stared at the vast selection of drugstore shampoos.
He introduced himself and he spoke with one of the strangest accents I've ever heard. It was a mix of Indian and British English, his sentences would start out sounding a bit English, then I would traces of East Indian and his sentences would finish with a bit more of that English accent. After talking for a while in the drug store isle, I learned that he was Persian born but grew up in India and Manchester and just moved to Vancouver after completing his second Masters degree from a prestigious Engish business school. That explains the bizarre accent.
After a few minutes of chatting, he asked if he could take me out for dinner sometime. I played it quite coy and said that I didn't let strangers I meet in the drug stores take me out for dinner. I generally don't like to play play games, but I suppose I was just being careful not to seem too available to random strangers who approach me on the street and offer to buy me food.
As I made my way to the checkout, he walked with me and we kept talking. Just before I was ready to leave the store, he asked for at least my email address so we could talk further. I gave him my personal email (not my business card) and he promised to write me. Later that day, he wrote me and told me more about himself and we started exchanging emails for the next 2 days until I finally agreed to have dinner with him.
Now, I think it's important that I set the stage and tell you more about this guy. He is definitely one of those guys that looks good on paper: He's very well educated with 2 Masters degrees, speaks 3 languages, and he holds a management position with one of the top consulting firms in Vancouver. In fact, he was recruited for that position all the way from London, impressive. He was rather attractive, very tall and well built and he oozed confidence and charm. He dressed well and was a good salsa dancer and he appeared to be the perfect gentleman. He was also very sweet, seemingly humble, and apparently down to earth. Normally, this is exactly what I look for in a guy and they are a rare find in these parts, so you can guess that I was a bit excited to get to know him better.
So I agreed to go on a date with him. He even started emailing from his work email account just to show me that he was indeed who he claimed to be. I trusted my instincts, I always do in situations like this, and my instincts told me he was harmless, but I should still tread with caution. I'm not sure why I felt the need to be cautious, everything with this guy seemed to pan out well, but for some reason I still felt I needed to keep my guard up for a little while.
We met after work on Friday, in front of the same drug store we met at 2 days earlier. He didn't know where I worked or where I lived and I preferred it that way. We walked to a restaurant and the conversation was light and easy. I ordered my common Friday after work drink, dirty vodka Grey Goose martini, while he ordered a Sprite. I made a few jokes about how he was making me look bad and he countered my jokes with a few about getting me drunk. It was playful chit-chat and the dinner was nice. There were several moments where it seemed he wasn't really listening to what I was saying, but I tried not to be too hasty with my judgment on whether or not there would be a second date. I just tried to relax and let the evening flow.
However, as soon as the dinner was over, he was itching to leave. I wasn't sure where we were going to go, the night was still very young, but clearly he didn't want to stay at the restaurant any longer. He started telling me about his new car and how he hasn't had anyone to show it to because he didn't know anyone in Vancouver. He asked if we could take a drive and I thought that sounded like a decent idea. No red flags went up and my instincts felt comfortable enough to let me get into the car with him. Again, I should point out, my instincts with people and my own personal safety are very fine-tuned and I trust them implicitly. Being in touch with my instincts and trusting them has never let me down and I appreciate my ability to stop, listen, and make a good decision.
We got into the vehicle and he started to show me all the new gadgets included in his brand new car. Soon we started driving and he decided to head to Stanley Park. As we drove, he made references to the sites of the park and the city. This made me laugh on the inside because we were in my city, where I was born and raised and lived for 80% of my life, and here was this guy who just moved here thinking he was showing me the sights. I played along, I try my best not to be a dominant ball-buster after all. Sometimes, ladies, you just have to humour men into thinking they are indeed smarter and more knowledgeable than you, even when you know that isn't the case. To humour him, I started asking questions about some of the sites we were seeing. I was chuckling on the inside as he tried to tell me about the yacht club and the container docks on the harbour, as if I had never seen Vancouver before.
A few minutes into the drive, he pulled into a dark and deserted parking lot overlooking North Vancouver. I didn't initiate the pull over and I assumed that maybe he just wanted to sit and talk in a somewhat romantic setting. Fine by me, after all, it was only an hour and a half into the date, lots of time to sit and talk and get to know each other. He wanted to get to know each other all right, but not through verbal conversation.
As soon as the car was parked, he switched off the engine. Immediately, he basically jumped on top of me in the passenger seat! He just went right in for the kill, started kissing me and basically just tried to help himself to what he obviously assumed was readily available to him. At first the kiss was nice, although I felt it was rather premature, but I went along with it for a few seconds. Then the guy goes in for the boob grab! I couldn't believe it, our date practically just started and this guy was already going for the gratuitous boob grab as if it were offered up on a silver platter? Come on!
At this point, I started to think about whether or not I felt my safety was in jeopardy. Clearly, it could have been, I was trapped in this guy's car in a dark lot of a deserted park. I calmly considered how I would defend myself should this guy try to really force himself on me. I wasn't afraid, I knew that it probably wouldn't come to that, but human nature makes you think about how you would protect yourself should the need arise. Now remember, I'm a very feisty girl and my brother toughened me up when I was a kid to the point where I could easily hurt this guy if I wanted to. Even with his considerable weight over me, somehow I knew I was smarter and faster than him while he was in his state of lust. If necessary, I could fight him off by damaging his manhood, or else I could play along and get him into a compromising position that would allow me to do more damage to him before I could get out of the car and run away. Intuitively I knew it wouldn't come to that, but my strong female survival instincts played my escape options in my mind, just in case. It was like my survival instincts were making me aware of their presence, should I need to call upon them. Luckily, I didn't have to.
I asked to leave the park after pushing him away one final time and he complied by saying he was sorry and firing up the car. We drove the rest of the way out of the park as he discussed the other options of the evening. I really didn't know what to think at this point. I actually kind of liked this guy, well, at least I thought I did before he basically jumped on me. I couldn't help but wonder: what did this guy actually expect from me? Did he honestly think that I was going to strip off my clothes and jump on him after only one and half hours of being with him on a first date? Did he really think I wanted him to crawl all over me already? Should I just get him to take me home or should I try to give him the benefit of the doubt and maybe discuss with him how he got the message that groping me was okay? So many questions ran through my mind as we drove.
He asked if we could see a movie and I considered the idea for a moment. Maybe I was being too hasty (as usual!) in judging this guy. Maybe this, maybe that, so many things ran through my head. Finally, I decided to be my usual candid self and I said:
"Listen. We just met, and I am not going to have sex with you on the first date, maybe not any date, and certainly not tonight"
I said it and I waited for a cringing reaction. Instead, all I got from him was a nodding of his head as he pulled over near the movie theater. Did he hear a word I just said? I thought to myself. I just told this guy I didn't want to have sex with him now and maybe not ever and all I got was head-nod for a response? Something is up here, this guy isn't all there.
As soon as he had parked the car, he asked if I wanted to see a movie. I looked my watch, it was only 7:30 pm and really wasn't sure how to proceed. As I thought about this, he leaned over and forced himself on me again! This time, I pulled back quickly but he still went in for it as if my hesitation was part of the game! I physically pushed his body away again and looked him in the eye and told him that I wasn't comfortable with his advances. At this point, I knew I just had to go home and get away from this idiot. I then told him I wanted to go home. Instead of leaving right away, he just started telling me how beautiful I was and how he just couldn't control himself. Then, he went in for it again! It was at this point that I pushed him off for the last time and demanded that he drive me home. No more being coy with this guy, assertive Steph is going to kick your sorry ass! He sure heard me that time because he quickly complied and started to drive me home. I like the fact that people don't argue with me once I truly assert myself.
When we got to my apartment, he asked if we could go out again another night. I responded by saying that I didn't actually want to go home yet, but clearly he couldn't be trusted to keep his hands to himself, so I had no choice but to go home. Of course, I didn't really want to spend any more time with this creep, I was just testing him to see what he was really out for. He just nodded and said okay. Okay? I thought to myself I gave this guy an out right there and he totally fell for it! I couldn't believe it and I got out of the car abruptly and then basically ran into my apartment building. He didn't know which suite was mine, luckily, and he also didn't know my last name so I wouldn't run the risk of him finding my apartment number. In retrospect, I should have probably left at the theater and taken a cab home but again, I didn't feel like I needed to fear for my safety, he was just being overly aggressive.
I ran up to my apartment, locked the door behind me and stood for a moment to think about the evening's events. I had never been in a situation like that before, no man has ever dared treat me like that and I didn't know how to react to it. I wanted to laugh but at the same time, I wanted to cry. A few minutes later, I found myself sitting on the couch with my head in my hands. I felt horrible, I felt like his behaviour was somehow my fault, like I lead him on, although deep down I knew that wasn't the case. I was dressed conservatively and I gave absolutely no indication that I was looking to be groped and fondled on our first date. I just didn't understand how a seemingly nice guy could be so slimy. I was embarassed. I imagined that this is what women must feel like after they have been sexually assaulted or god forbid, raped. As I let the weight of what could have happened to me tonight sink in, I started to cry worse than I have in a very long time. I felt alone, I felt somehow violated, and I felt disillusioned once again by another disappointing date.
Now I should say that I honestly don't think this man would have harmed me or forced me to do something I wasn't comfortable with. I believe that he just assumed that I was looking to have sex on the first date. This led to me wonder: Do Middle Eastern men believe that all western women are easy? I had to assume this was a cultural misunderstanding because I have never had a man behave like this before. Not to say that western men couldn't act this way, I'm sure they are out there, but I just haven't been on dates with them.
As I looked back at the Persian men I have known in my life, this guy was the third one that I had met and gone on a date with. Yup, only one date each, story of my life, I just can't be bothered to go on second dates with men I'm not crazy about. When I looked back at the other two dates, one from earlier this year and the other from a few years ago, I started to notice a pattern. The pattern was that each of these men was very forward and they all basically tried to get me into bed on the first date. The other two were just not as pushy as my most recent date. However, on the surface, the pattern was the same. Was it just that Persian men are affection starved or did these men honestly believe that all Western women for easy? Did these men actually respect women? Culturally speaking and looking back on my horrible Friday night date, I am going to have to assume that the answer to my last question is a resounding NO. In my opinion, no man can truly respect a woman and then basically attack her in the car, even after she has clearly pushed you away and told you NO.
The next day, I was desperately in need of a friend with a sympathetic ear and some valuable insight. Of course, I called the only other woman I know who is an awful lot like me, Emma. I told her about the night and we swapped stories about our experiences with Persian men. Her experiences and conclusions were almost identical to mine: these men assume that western women are all raging sluts who hide their promiscuity by draping themselves in fake virtue. Interesting.
The funny part is, both and Emma and I agreed that had these men played their cards right, sex would have been inevitable. Of course, probably not on the first date, but after a few dates of getting to know each other better, sex would be a natural and mutually desired outcome. I'm a sensual woman after all and being single means I'm undersexed, so of course I have sex on the brain! However, I am extremely selective about the men I let get close to me and when a man assumes sex will happen and attempts to take advantage of me, the whole game changes and raging libido is suddenly transformed into an iron-clad chastity belt that even I can't remove easily.
Clearly my date was not looking for a quality woman, he had one willing to give him a chance and he totally blew it in less than 2 hours. He was just looking to get laid and he assumed that because I am an independent, single, sexually liberated western woman, getting into my pants would be as easy as buying me dinner and pretending to actually listen to what I have to say. Fat chance buddy, take that bone to some other dog, I refuse to cast pearls before swine. Oh, and thank you for now making me extremely gun shy with new men I may meet. This horrible experience shook me up so much that I don't think I'll be dating for quite a while now. Thanks, asshole!
Moral of the story:
For all the men out there: All joking aside, men, forcing yourself on a woman is never okay. No means no and as simple as that sounds, it's the truth. No does not change it's meaning simply because you want it to. Now, of course, most self-respecting men know this but I feel it is an important point that needs to be driven home. Of course, there is nothing wrong with casual sex if that's what you chose to do, but just make very sure that you have a willing participant. If she hesitates or tells you she isn't comfortable with how the situation is going, back the fuck off!
For the Persian men out there: I apologize if it appears I have painted you all with the same tainted brush but the statistics here are not in your favour. Just because western women do not have to cover their hair and they can choose to have sex before marriage if they so desire, does not mean they automatically want to have sex with you! If you want sex without actually getting to know the woman, get a prostitute, they are plentiful here in North America and that's what they are here for. Don't try to force yourself on a quality western woman on the first date, especially if she tells you no. In fact, don't ever force yourself on any woman, IT IS NEVER OKAY!!! If you really want to successfully date western women, find a local dude to teach you a few things and then learn some patience. Furthermore, you need to understand that respect for women is paramount to success in dating and in many cases, getting her into bed. If you don't respect us, we don't want anything to do with you. Just because we can have sex with you, doesn't necessarily mean we are going to. Ask a western dude, he'll tell you all about it!
For the ladies: I know I have made light of a serious subject here in this story, but I'm trying to walk the fine line between comedy and being serious about a very important issue that we all deal with. If you have ever found yourself in a similar situation to mine, or god forbid worse, I really hope you have the support and counseling (friends or professional) to help you through it. I now understand that this type of thing can really do some damage to your psyche and your ability to trust men. Just know that it if you are assaulted or find yourself in a similar situation as I did, it's not your fault, it's his fault and it is never okay.
For those of you ladies who have never experienced this, you are indeed lucky. Please keep it that way and do not put yourself in a compromising situation. Furthermore, I might advise on not dating Persian men, take it from me and my good friend Emma! Above all sisters, keep your eyes open and trust your instincts when it comes to men and your personal safety. I was lucky this time, but it could have been a lot worse for me. I get a bit sick when I think about what could have happened to me that night. Please, just don't let it happen to you, be smart, be aware, and most of all, be safe.
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